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Sh*t That Goes Down When You Get Your First Full Body Massage

by Laurence-Emmanuelle Bédard Published on September 28, 2015

Who knew paper knickers and whale music could be this awkward. Here's the sh*t that every girl goes through when she gets her first full body massage. Some of it is good sh*t, most of it is soul destroying.

The candles, the green tea it's supposed to be the most relaxing experience EVER. But then paper knickers and butts that eat up paper knickers happened. Here's the sh*t every girl goes through when she has her first full body massage. And in fact any massage after that.

The special treatment begins

Would you like a drink? A water? A ginger and lemon green tea? A goblet of gold? For the next hour you are special, and special people communicate in whispers.

Wtf are my eyes seeing

There are paper knickers in front of me. Paper effing. Knickers

The peril of the paper knickers continues

?Do I wear them, do I go naked? Do you want me to make a party hat with them and dance around?

I'm gonna leave you to get undressed now...

It doesn't matter how gently she whispers that, it doesn't make it any less awkward.

There's no elegant way of getting yourself up onto the bed

So I put my face where now?

New massage friend!

She seems nice but I do hope she shuts up when we start, I’m supposed to be relaxing not talking the stresses and strains of modern living GAH.

Oh oh the candles

Jo Malone knows how to get intimate.

How do you like the pressure?

Um I want to say somewhere between get those knots out but also, please don’t kill me but I can't stop my mouth from saying FIRM SO FIRM.

The sheer joy

Oh my god this is the best thing ever invented. This was such a good idea, even if it did cost me my dignity.

Face to boob

Ok, I know she's trying to get to my lower back and all that but her boobs are literally sitting on my shoulders right now.

Oh no, I need to cough

But I don't wanna break the beautiful, calm ambience.

Why does it feel SOOOO damn good?!

Ah, yeah right in the shoulders make my knots pop betch.

Something is happening

I’m trying not to get turned on right now but my clit is so relaxed, it has other ideas.

It's time to turn over

Roll onto your back she says, ok I’m rolled. And by rolled I mean my arse cheeks are rolling out of those really supportive paper knickers you 'popped' onto my pillow. There might even be a big of vagina showing too, it’s hard to tell.

Woah now

The receptionist didn't really explain the part where you go so far up my legs that you narrowly brush my vagina.

I hear rumbling

Was that my stomach or her stomach? I feel like we're one person right now.

It was nobody's stomach

It happened. I actually farted under these lovely warm blankets, I'm such a bad person. Screw you toxins!

The fast strokes

Oh no, you sense it’s coming to an end, she’s doing quick strokes and pushing your feet in an inexplicably relaxing way to release all tension.

You panic it's all over

Don’t stop, please don’t make it stop.

You feel obliged to tell her that was the best thing that's ever happened to you

I am so relaxed, can’t you tell? *Wipes dribble from chin and surrounding areas*

That horrible nasal voice you get

“And now I’m gonna cover you back up.”

NOOOOOOOO.

The classic water chat

Drink plenty of water you feeble thing you.

This article was written by Lareese Craig. Follow her on Instagram @LareeseCraig

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