I’m fully aware of the consequences going into this experiment. I could potentially lose my favourite products or slightly worse, my eye sight. Well, when I lay all my products out over the floor and he says, "you’re in trouble here", I’m hardly optimistic about making it out of this unscathed.
Just for a bit of context, this is how I usually do my makeup day to day.
Stage 1: The base layer
I’m not too worried at this stage, at least I know he’s au fait with concealer – he’s been caught using the Body Shop Tea Tree stick on one too many occasions (possibly no longer have a boyfriend now) so he’s had some practice.
After carefully selecting his first product, he starts dipping my blending sponge into the powder, then into my contouring palette and, I quote, “testing it on his foot”. Lovely.
Next he applies several layers of powder with my blending sponge and spots the creamy stuff he calls moisturiser but is in fact foundation. Yep, powder then foundation everybody.
He slaps it on like he's basting a turkey; “I feel the base layer is the hardest part especially as I don't know what the base layer is! You don't even smell right!” Ah, that’ll be the three tonnes of powder mushed into the foundation you’ve heaped onto my pores.
He loves my blending sponge a little too much. He’s dipping it in everything in sight, meanwhile I’m inwardly panicking about how I’ve got to dedicate an evening to cleaning all my brushes when he’s finished with them.
“I like this look, I'm gonna continue with this for a bit,” he says, still on the caked powder phase and showing no signs of stopping. That is, until he decides that he’s gone too far and needs to "darken me up now".
Stage 2: "Darkening me up and stuff!"
He applies my contouring stick like a sharpie pen and immediately detects that he's gone wrong.
Sticking to what he knows best, he goes in for more foundation, on top of powder, on top of contouring. This boy loves to layer. He dabbles with my eyebrow palette and decides it's too small to go on my face it must be for eye shadow! On it goes, blending with his thumb to 'tone down' the look.
“I'm getting towards the end of the face - more of this stuff and that should finish it off nicely.” FYI stuff = more contouring powder.
After applying my lipstick he makes a gesture for me to smack my lips together - I wouldn't mind if I never see him do that again.
Oh god here comes the mascara – but it’s fine, he’s got an impressively steady hand. Every time he does leave smudges he ‘tidies up with a cotton bud' moving his head in motion with the bud.
“I actually think you could go to work like this, I’ve nailed this."
Stage 3: Vamping it up
"Now I'm gonna add a few things to make it more striking!” Apparently he’s decided lipstick is the way to make this happen:
Joe: “This red lipstick is harder than it looks.”
Lareese: “Is it bleeding?” (should have anticipated he’s gonna take that literally)
Joe: “Should it be bleeding?!”
He swiftly moves onto eye shadow territory opting for a nice pink sparkly shade. “Oh no, I don't really like the pink and red together (my thoughts exactly) but it's too late now.” He then blows off the excess with no warning and apologises for the unexpected saliva!
“Now I'm really gonna vamp up the lashes.” I'm not sure what I find more offensive, the thought of him going at my eye with the mascara again or him using the word vamp. "I'm looking for some eye liner" - he gets brows and lashes confused throughout the process, what he’s actually looking for is something to fill in my brows.
Brows filled and on fleek – his work here is done. PHEW.
The verdict? Take away the fact that I look like I've got Cherryade stainage round my gob and my face is about three shades too bronze for my neck, he just might have got away with this one.
But just for the sake of going out on a LOL just look at that lipstick job...