1. First stop: Pimms
It’s all about the Pimms, darling! You’re going to need a big jug and plenty of fruit - we’re thinking strawberries, mint leaves, cucumber and oranges will work a treat. The measurements are... oh hell, it doesn't matter, it's the weekend. Regret it on Sunday.
2. DRINK MORE
Once the Pimms runs out the next move is obviously onto the champers. Pop it, pour it, drink it! If you fancy a twist, add some elderflower cordial and chuck a couple of leftover strawbs in your flute. Or, if you're watching the game with your girlfriends on Henman Hill, a couple of curly straws in the bottle will suffice.
3. Dress up
Obviously dressing in an all-white ensemble is the way to go during Wimbledon season. Go retro - we're thinking the John McEnroe tennis era - with some tighty whitey shorts, sweatbands and bright white trainers. In fact, why not go method and treat spectators to a tennis tantrum? It's what McEnroe would want!
4. Get your bunting out
It's summer and there's no bunting in your house? What kind of house is this?! There's never a bad time for it, but summer is literally the season of the bunting. It says so on Wikipedia. (Don't check that.) So get decorating. Now.
5. Eat loads of food
Stuff your face with everything that's essential British grub: pork pies, strawberries, sausage rolls, eton mess and the cucumber sandwich for the dullest of palates.
6. Put your own twist on the classics
You could be lazy like us and get your goodies from your local supermarket, or you could have a go at making them yourself! Add some apple to your sausage rolls, maybe try to master a delightful eton mess trifle, or just add more Pimms to your Pimms cocktail...
7. Impress everyone with your excellent, classically British cooking skills
If you're feeling really ambitious, give this strawberry meringue roulade with mascarpone a go. It's super delicious, and with all those strawberries it's basically one of your five a day. Deeply impress all of your friends with this one by telling them you created the recipe yourself. Go on, we'll let you have this one.
8. DRINK AGAIN!
Experts may wish to base their drinking game round the points system or certain tennis jargon, but our advice? Just drink every time someone grunts. You’ll be enjoying the game in no time.
9. Actually play some tennis
That's if you're not going to get a stitch from all the food and drink you've just consumed. Too many cocktails and your swing might be a little off...
10. Then, stay away from EVERYTHING
Do you know how easy it is to get white stuff dirty? One minute you're eating a nice bit of a Victoria sponge, the next - STRAWBERRY JAM EVERYWHERE. And don't believe the adverts when they tell you cleaning white clothes is easy. They're lying to you - it's a real bitch. So just avoid eating or drinking or standing near anything or anyone, okay? Seriously.
11. Go big or go home
If you really want to impress/weird out all your friends, you could get really ambitious with your dressing up. Drake started off the trend with a tennis ball-esque 'do, but why not go one step further and dress like an actual, human-sized tennis ball? We don't know how you'd make it (that's really a job for the Blue Peter lot), or the logistics of being around other people in such a getup, but we'd pay big money to see it in action.
12. Watch the game outside
Find a big screen showing the finale and watch it whilst also getting a tan. Win!
13. Get involved
Some might say that actually watching the tennis is the whole point of Wimbledon. So you should probably watch at least one match, right?
14. Learn the lingo
Sound like a real tennis enthusiast by discussing a player's "seed" with fellow aficionados (this is a player's ranking in a tournament). Or, if you're feeling confident, try shouting "ACE!" when you spot a serve that the returner doesn't touch with their racquet. Remember: the ace will always go to the person who served, so make sure you don't give the game up by cheering for the wrong person!
15. Don't forget to take plenty of photos
Always make sure you take plenty of photos so in winter you can look back and feel depressed about how hot summer was when you're wrapped in a million blankets next to an electric heater. But remember: twenty pictures of Raphael Nadal's arse and one of you with tennis balls down the front of your polo shirt does not an photo album make.