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Legs Akimbo, Burning Hell And Plucked Turkey! 22 Stages Girls Go Through With A Bikini Wax

Lareese Craig
by Lareese Craig Published on June 16, 2014

They say beauty is pain and they’re dead right. Nothing hurts quite like a beautician going to town on your vajayjay and yet we’re prepared to put ourselves through it because nothing compares with going fuzz free when on vacay. Hollywood, Brazilian or a quick tidy up, here’s 22 stages every girl goes through with a bikini wax. You might wanna cross your legs.

1. The prep

First there’s the awkward growing out stage and we all know how annoying/itchy/inconvenient that is. Pfffft #girlproblems

2. The shower

It’s the longest shower you’ll ever have because you make sure you scrub in places you've never scrubbed before. You’re not supposed to put moisturiser on before a wax, but you do just so the pretty beautician doesn’t think you've let yourself go.

3. Getting dressed

It doesn’t matter what the weather’s doing, you still turn up in a floaty dress or maxi skirt, no bra and flip flops. The breezier the better.

4. Booking the appointment

If you thought hair removal was simple, think again. Was that a Brazilian, French or Hollywood you were after? You don’t bother asking which one’s which you just go for the one that sounds the least painful. Hollywood? Major error.

5. D-Day

The day’s finally arrived. You’ve refrained from reaching for the razor for two whole weeks, something that can only be celebrated through naked interpretive dance. You then check in for your bikini wax feeling more than happy with yourself, it’s like you’ve finally realised you’re a grown up with a real vagina. It’s good to be a woman.

6. The meet and greet

So this is who’s going to be getting up close and personal with my fee fee. Cringe. You can’t even make eye contact with her.

7. The panic phase

It doesn’t matter than she sees hundreds of vajayjays, you still feel embarrassed about getting yours out. What if you’re not normal? What if she looks down and runs out the room? Oh god, why did we book a Hollywood why!?!

8. The small talk

Please don’t try and talk to us in that gentle calming voice. Nothing about hair removal is remotely calming or therapeutic. We know you’re trying to take our minds of the fact that we’re legs akimbo right now but no we don’t have any plans for the rest of the day because we’re going to spend the rest of the day getting over this. Got it? Right. Now just cover us back over.

9. The hot wax

You swear this wasn’t supposed to be the painful part and yet it feels like your vagina is going up in flames. Sweet lord, you know you signed up for a hot wax but jeez this has got to be some kind of joke.

10. The pain

She doesn’t even warn you when woooowwwcha. So that’s what it feels like to have your pubic hair tugged out from the precious roots. Interesting.

11. Dealing with the pain

You’re either a screamer or a retreat to the foetal position and grit your teeth kinda girl. Either way the snobby beautician thinks you need to man the hell up. Kinda hard when she’s busy balding your noonie. Oh great, she’s just split up with her boyfriend. That explains her unnecessarily strong ripping motion. Ouch.

12. You start to hate

You didn’t think it was possible to hate someone this much but right now you wish the beautician’s face was on that scorching wax strip.

13. You consider the benefits

The only good thing about flinching every five seconds is the workout it’s giving your abs.

14. The Hollywood bit

They need to think up a new name for this sh*t because absolutely nothing about this is glamorous. You want me to do what now? No one explained that part.

15. Checking out

The receptionist gives you that look. The one that says, ‘you must be feeling pretty sore right now you poor thing’. But instead of giving you some reassuring words or a sticker she tells you that you must never shave again and that you need to keep on top of it now. Appointments every four weeks ok? No. Freaking. Way. Is she insane?

16. The shame

You feel violated. Someone has just been paid to make you scream and possibly bleed. This is what’s wrong with the world.

17. You’re now broke

$75 for hair removal. Now that hurts.

18. The aftermath

Never. Again. You look like a plucked turkey and you’re tingling like never before and not in a good way. As if we even have to say it but sex… out of the question.

19. Three days later

When the redness subsides and you can walk normally again you feel like a brand new woman. You’ve never felt so clean and smooth before. Money well spent.

20. The bikini part

You’ve done the wax, now it’s time for the bikini. You realise the pain was totes worth it because now you can go your whole holiday without shaving and you can sunbathe in any position that you want. What the hell, you might even fall asleep with your butt in the air. You’re carefree and fuzz free. Winning!

21. Euphoria

The summer holiday’s been and gone and there’s still no sign of regrowth. You’ll never have to shave again!

22. You rebook

The results outweigh the pain and before you know it your back in and ready to do it all over again only this time you've come prepared.

Do you find a bikini wax totally awks? Tweet us @wewomenCA

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